I cannot believe it - but, the holidays have been WONDERFUL. We have spent a lot of time with family and it has been nice. My daughter didn't get overloaded with too many gifts. Everything has been "just enough".
I switched sponsors about a month ago. I love sponsor 1 - she got me thru my first year and I will always be truely greatful for her. Going into my second year of recovery has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.
I'm realizing that it isn't just putting down the drink or the drugs - it about totally changing my attitude on life. And - getting rid of my character defects.
I was brought up learning how to be a good lyer and manipulator. I still catch myself doing those things, and now that I'm aware of it - it makes me sick when I start to do it. Everyone says "well, atleast your aware of it". Being aware isn't enough anymore - I want the defects to be GONE!!!!!!!!!
I wish everyone a very happy holiday and a great New Year.
Look to this day, for it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the realities and verities of existence, the bliss of growth, the splendor of action, the glory of power -
For yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow is only a vision.
But today, well lived , makes every yesturday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.
Sanskrit proverb
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
ganga
Feeling like I'm getting back on track. Went to a meeting yesterday - made me feel better. I'm starting to think that maybe I could just smoke some weed - never had a problem with that....
BUT---- then I remember that I'm an addict and one is never enough for me.
I go thru this almost monthly (right before my you know what). I wonder if there are any other recovering women out there who go thru the same thing?? I CRAVE drugs really bad right around "that time" - must be a hormonal thing.
BUT---- then I remember that I'm an addict and one is never enough for me.
I go thru this almost monthly (right before my you know what). I wonder if there are any other recovering women out there who go thru the same thing?? I CRAVE drugs really bad right around "that time" - must be a hormonal thing.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
SUNDAY - SUNDAY - SUNDAY
Didn't go last night. Stayed home with tay and watched a movie on the disney channel. Still in PJ's trying to figure out a plan for the day.
Its one of those mornings that I cannot get motivated. Its going to be a beautiful 88 degree fall day here in michigan (blah).
Its one of those mornings that I cannot get motivated. Its going to be a beautiful 88 degree fall day here in michigan (blah).
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood....
I do not like the way my blog looks.... how do I make it look a little cooler?? I want to put links of my favorite sites.... Help!!
Anyways...
Husband is up north again this weekend. He is finally getting around better since his heel surgery. He is finally in physical therapy and off of the pain meds. When he is gone. I really realize that I'm pretty much a bitch to him most of the time!!??? I always take my bullshit out on him. Its a trait I really need to work on more.
Started a job I really like. I need to keep busy during the day so I do not retreat back into my dark hole.
Going over to some friends house tonight. The friends I used to get drunk and high with - as I'm writing this and I can see it in front of my eyes it doesn't seem like a good idea.
I miss our fun times that we had..... It was when I was alone and still getting high that it wasn't fun. Not sure what I'm going to do.
blah blah blah
Anyways...
Husband is up north again this weekend. He is finally getting around better since his heel surgery. He is finally in physical therapy and off of the pain meds. When he is gone. I really realize that I'm pretty much a bitch to him most of the time!!??? I always take my bullshit out on him. Its a trait I really need to work on more.
Started a job I really like. I need to keep busy during the day so I do not retreat back into my dark hole.
Going over to some friends house tonight. The friends I used to get drunk and high with - as I'm writing this and I can see it in front of my eyes it doesn't seem like a good idea.
I miss our fun times that we had..... It was when I was alone and still getting high that it wasn't fun. Not sure what I'm going to do.
blah blah blah
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Love & Marriage
Gotta love it, right??
Some days I want to be single again and others I cannot wait to have him by my side.
It has been a very trying year. I'm changing due to my recovery and he isn't.
He is turning into the lyer and now I'm getting a taste of the crap I put him thru. Is this a way to "get back at me" or is it just my crazy, fucked up head??
Our communication skills suck - maybe therapy would work.
Some days I want to be single again and others I cannot wait to have him by my side.
It has been a very trying year. I'm changing due to my recovery and he isn't.
He is turning into the lyer and now I'm getting a taste of the crap I put him thru. Is this a way to "get back at me" or is it just my crazy, fucked up head??
Our communication skills suck - maybe therapy would work.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
sunday blues
I do not want to be here today. Sometimes its nice to sleep and live in my dreams. I've been married for 9 1/2 years and we are in a very rough spot at the moment. I'm changing in my recovery and my husband is still the same. I do not know if I want to be married.
He has been home all summer - he fell off a ladder at work and shattered his heel. Had surgery and is still recovering from it. He has had pain pills in the house and at times it has really gotten to me.
There are days when I just want to be alone - not be a mom or a wife. I feel like I'm being smothered.
He has been home all summer - he fell off a ladder at work and shattered his heel. Had surgery and is still recovering from it. He has had pain pills in the house and at times it has really gotten to me.
There are days when I just want to be alone - not be a mom or a wife. I feel like I'm being smothered.
Monday, September 3, 2007
High Anxiety
Not feeling well today. My husband was supposed to pick up some of my meds for me on Friday and he forgot. Its really starting to affect me. I am trying so hard today to hide the way I feel. Tomorrow is my daughters first day of school. I do not want to ruin it for her with my mood swings. I really need to get to my meeting. I only have 1 more hour.
Andy is gone with the car and his phone. Mine is shut off AGAIN until we can pay the bill. I feel like I am trapped in a cave at this very moment.
Due to his injury he is on pain meds again. That was my THing! I just am craving so much today to just take a few pills and melt away into life.
No money, no organization, no routine..... these, my friends, are my biggest triggers.
I wish that when you got sober and had some recovery time (one yr on 8/07) that you would just automatically feel better.
Not that way.... I've been on a long winning streak of peace and serenity and I need to remember that this is just a bump in the road. There are always going to be these bumps, its how I choose to handle them.
Andy is gone with the car and his phone. Mine is shut off AGAIN until we can pay the bill. I feel like I am trapped in a cave at this very moment.
Due to his injury he is on pain meds again. That was my THing! I just am craving so much today to just take a few pills and melt away into life.
No money, no organization, no routine..... these, my friends, are my biggest triggers.
I wish that when you got sober and had some recovery time (one yr on 8/07) that you would just automatically feel better.
Not that way.... I've been on a long winning streak of peace and serenity and I need to remember that this is just a bump in the road. There are always going to be these bumps, its how I choose to handle them.
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